How to be a Fake Indian
How to be a Fake Indian
Emily Clarke
Step 1
Disgrace your entire heritage. Tell yourself over and over again, you are not white, you are not white. Remember that your ancestors may have came from Europe, but your heart comes from the Reservation store that your family stopped to use the bathroom in on your trip to The Grand Canyon.
Step 2
It would be a good idea to choose a tribe. How about Cherokee? Everyone is Cherokee nowadays. Choosing this tribe is perfect because it’s so huge. That means when your nosy co-worker Cheryl inquires to what kind of Cherokee you can wave your hand dismissively while rolling your eyes. Cheryl doesn’t understand. Cheryl’s not Cherokee.
Step 3
Make sure everyone knows that you are Indigenous. Walk everywhere barefoot. What’s toe-fungus? Indians don’t get toe-fungus! Dye your hair jet black. Do your absolute best to look like Disney’s Pocahontas. And nobody should call you anything but your Indian name. Haven’t chosen one yet? Go with something that really symbolizes your animalistic strength. A strong wolf-like name could be useful, or even something that portrays your spiritual wisdom. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter as long as it pays tribute to your spirit animal. Don’t know what your spirit animal is? Check out the “Quizzes” section on BuzzFeed.
Step 4
When attending a powwow make sure to stand in the exact same spot awkwardly smiling for the first few hours. Everyone else is taking part in the cultural activities and since you are indeed Indian, after awhile you need to join in as well. Just walk straight up and show those traditional dancers your moves. A little modernization can’t hurt! Make sure to try the food, but stay away from the extremely cultural meals. Just settle for a “Grilled Indian Hot dog” and move on. Buy all the jewelry you can find. Huge hoop earrings. Woven bracelets. Feathers to clip into the braids you should be wearing by now. And don’t forget how much you’ve been wanting that “Native Pride” hoodie!
Step 5
If you’re not afraid of tattoos, get some Native ink. This tattoo should be over the top yet earthy, and most of all, it should represent your inner warrior. Try a bobcat, a galloping stallion, wolf tracks trailing up your spine, a bow and arrow, or even a portrait of some chief. And who can resist a dream catcher? The possibilities of a unique, Indigenous tattoo are endless!
Step 6
For Halloween, wear basically only a large headdress. You can purchase one on Ebay for about $93 dollars. Why not be realistic; Native Americans just walk around 90% naked all the time. You might get cold wearing this, but if you’re a real Indian– you won’t.
Step 7
Don’t.
